Upon further reflection...
I think that my ambivalence after our visit this weekend is, in large part, a product of self-doubt. Do I have what it takes to do this, motherhood, well and "right"? Am I sufficiently self-sacrificing? Can I put down my insecurity-quenching, connection-maintaining iPhone and fully engage in the sometimes terrifying, periodically boring, generally exhausting life transformation that is parenting? I know this paints me in a pretty unflattering light, but if I can't air my ugly laundry here, then where? "Be here now" has always been a challenge for me, and I know that it is an essential component of parenthood. I also expect that the experience will change me in ways I cannot foresee, so that some of the worries that come up as I look in from the outside will be irrelevant. Right here, right now, as a year abroad draws to a close, I guess I am mourning how easy such a year will never be again--at least for the next many years--as, once children are part of the equation, such adventures would involve uprooting and destabilizing people who have not made that choice for themselves. Things won't be about me, or about us-two-and-we'll-find-someone-to-watch-the-dogs anymore, but rather about all of us, and most especially about them, our children-to-be. Can I surrender my selfishness? As is always the case for me, anticipation is likely much more agonizing than the real thing. What looks like an impossible leap from my current seat on the couch will probably be absolutely natural when the time comes. Because, really, I've always felt that I was meant to be a mom. And this whole protracted rant is pretty much academic for the time being. Sure, it might feel like a defensively easier move if I choose childlessness than if childlessness chooses me, but it's not ultimately the course I want my life to take.
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