Positively Negative

This is a picture of the little lab where everyone has been so nice to me as I've gotten blood test after blood test (and the pee test I nearly failed because I just couldn't get much out, even after downing the rest of my bottle of water mid-attempt) over the last month or so. Today might have been the last time I see them, as I just called for the results of my noontime beta test and...it's negative! Good stuff. So...what next? I wonder what our RE, Dr. L, who has been my e-penpal since we saw him in March during our trip back to the States, will prescribe for this next cycle. More Clomid? More progesterone? I'm not sure about the C-factor. During my last two cycles pre-Clomid, I got a positive opk on cd 22 and cd 20. Both cycles were fewer than 30 days long. First cycle on Clomid, my positive opk was on cd 18--not exactly a huge improvement--and during the next two (the third being when we conceived), I never got a fully positive test. So was Clomid really doing much of anything for me? Progesterone, on the other hand, seems like a good bet, as the first cycle I took it, I got pregnant. Part of me wonders whether my endometrium, which I've read can be thinned by taking Clomid, would have been thick enough to hold onto our baby if I hadn't been taking it. I also wonder whether the suppositories gave me enough progesterone, or whether more would have been helpful. I hope to get more answers once we're back in the same time zone as Dr. L, although I think even talking to him will be pretty expensive until the insurance for my new job kicks in on September 1. For now, a wait of indeterminate length before I'm back in the saddle and cycling anew.

It's interesting, I haven't been that sad the last few days. I see babies and little children and know I want one, but they're not bringing tears to my eyes at the moment. And I sort of wonder why. I need to not judge my healing, to let it be what it is and appreciate perspective when it finds me.