Ch'ai Hopes

We did an audio guide in the Marais today with a friend who's visiting from Brooklyn. N and I are semi-obsessed with audio guides, and so do our best to foist them on friends and family alike pretty much wherever we go. More than one of you can vouch for this. The Marais, as you may well know, is Paris's historic Jewish quarter, and as I walked by one eye-catchingly colorful shop, called Art 25, I realized that the time had come for a new ch'ai necklace. Ch'ai, which is the word represented by the Hebrew letters on the left, means "life." And this is a moment when I could use a little life-affirming jewelry. I got a ch'ai after visiting Israel senior year in college, when I was feeling particularly strongly about keeping Judaism and the Jewish community alive. Right now, it's more a question of melding faith in the universe with a belief that we can, and will, bring new life into it. After examining the dozens of ch'ai options on offer, I decided on the circular shape, which felt like it evoked the completeness of a family. Who knows--I get caught up in symbolism when I'm searching for answers. I also like the idea that, if not a baby inside me, I'm bringing something home from France that represents the time we've spent here, trying to make this dream a reality. I also purchased a bunch of summer dresses on Tuesday, taking advantage of both the summer sales in Paris and the fact that I'm likely to stay the same size-ish for the next little while, and a big stripey sun hat near Place des Vosges yesterday afternoon. Retail therapy is alive and well at 27 rue Mauconseil.

In nittier, grittier news, my beta-hCG levels (the number that we were looking to have double a couple weeks back) are going down. This is good, all things considered, and important. For starters, it's my understanding that I won't return to having normal(ish) cycles again until my beta level has gone down. Also, its descent is a good sign that everything that needs to make its way out of me in order for my body to be ready to support another pregnancy is either out or on its way. How was that for un-graphic? I did my best to leave out evocative details. A lot of women have to have a surgical procedure done (known as a d&c--dilation and curettage) in order to clear out leftover tissue, and it doesn't look as though I'm going to need that. Beta levels frequently won't go down if some of the "products of conception" remain in the womb, and they also won't if a woman has had a tubal, or ectopic, pregnancy, in which the embryo implants in one of the Fallopian tubes, rather than in the uterus. Ectopic pregnancies are not sustainable, because there isn't enough room for the baby to grow, and can endanger the mother's health. My beta level on Tuesday was down to 243 mIU/ml, and on Thursday had dipped to 150 mIU/ml, and so it seems that I'm in the clear ectopically speaking, and hopefully the numbers will continue to go down to less than 5, which would be in the normal range for women who aren't pregnant. Like me. I'm also still bleeding. I've read that it can last anywhere from 1-2 weeks, and as I'm finishing this entry, on Saturday, a week since the real bleeding began, it seems as though it might be starting to let up. I guess that when the radiologist who did my ultrasound said this would be "like a period," she wasn't inserting additional, American-style punctuation in French. This isn't, like, a period. I guess that it is, however, sort of like a period. Just longer. Although, honestly, I'd prefer it just be a comma, or a semicolon at most.

So next up is another beta test early next week. My local lab is closed for the week for remodeling/construction work, and so--get this--if you need a blood test, they'll come to your house and do it! No additional charge! Go, France. I'll report back with the results. And probably beforehand.

Lest it go unsaid, the support you all have shown me has been tremendously heartening, and I can't thank you enough for being there for me. I feel very lucky to have you all in my life.