So Much for That

Oh, I am so not out of the woods yet. Feeling hopeless, can’t eat much, and sad sad sad. Shit. Could this be symptomatic of coming off progesterone, even if I stopped it several days ago? I need hugs.

Beginning Again

Got my period this morning, after a marathon 38-day, no-baby cycle. And while my commute went on sucking (by way of taking 20 minutes longer this morning than yesterday morning), school itself is getting better. I’m starting to love my [8th-grade] homeroom. Had some great conversation at lunch with a couple of 8th-graders. I saw my 6th-graders for the first time today, and at the end of the class, a couple of the kids said: “You’re such a nice teacher!” Melted my heart. This was before another kid, who has some learning difficulties, said: “I probably missed a lot of that because you kept speaking French.” I love 6th grade. And I talked to a couple of colleagues in the afternoon, and they were really lovely. So yay.

I ended up changing yesterday’s acupuncture appointment to today, because I didn’t have time to make it there and to therapy, which isn’t movable. Therapy was good, in that it was an opportunity for me use a bajillion tissues and let out how crappy I was feeling, but it didn’t feel as though it changed a whole lot. I was still freaked-out about my new, faraway job to which I didn’t yet feel any connection (what’s that? no connection after one day??). Brit-therapist suggested that I was really feeling upset about the baby situation, and that that was coloring everything else. She’s not wrong. Heck, she’s pretty much never wrong. But nonetheless, I had little appetite last night or this morning. (I’m happy to say that Little Appy has made a comeback this evening, thank goodness.) N had also committed to be out last night, which sucked. I got home around 8 and didn’t have the time or inclination to go with him.

So acupuncture was today. I told Dr. Chinatown that I was pretty stressed about my new job, and he added a couple needles and took one away. And, for whatever reason, I had ideas while I was on the table about ways to improve my commute. And I left feeling good. And I still feel good. Doesn’t hurt that we have the day off tomorrow and the next day is Friday. And that N and I have spent tonight lying in bed with the pups, eating takeout and watching TV. What are the amelioration ideas, you ask? Is amelioration even an English word? Well, the first one won’t work: I was hoping to find a way to take the train out toward work every day, and then just commute from the train station to school. But even trying to search for different train stations in all directions from where I work–nothing gets in at the right time.

The second idea, though, might really be something. I have all this time in the car, when I can’t really do anything, and very little time to blog. Then I remembered the Dragon dictation app for the iPhone, which has a voice recognition doohickey, and which would allow me, I think, to compose blog posts while I drive! What comes out won’t be perfect, but it does a pretty good job. So...prepare for some wacky commuting prose!

L’Shana Tova to all the Jews, and a sweet, happy, healthy New Year for everyone who could use a new beginning.

Flight Risk

I don’t even know where to start. It’s the first day of teaching at my new school, and I really want to go home at the end of today and never come back. On Tuesday mornings, I have five classes back-to-back, two of which mercifully didn’t meet today, because of the opening assembly and other such activities. At my last school, I had two back-to-back classes twice a week, and it was trying, because I had to prepare for both at once. But five?! And when I think about the fact that I was supposed to be having a baby at the end of February, so that I would only have to deal with this insanity for part of the year, it’s really difficult to keep the tears from rolling. Let’s be honest: it’s difficult regardless.

On top of that, it’s day 38 of this cycle, I haven’t taken progesterone for the past three nights, and I still don’t have my period. What’s going on, insides?

I want to go home, snuggle up with N, and have it be summer again. To not have any responsibilities or any stupid commute, and to just be able to breathe.

Tonight’s therapy. And acupuncture. Blessed be.

Wherein I Burst into Flames

Okay, I think this pretty much decides it. On CD35, at 16dpo, there's no one in there, and so it's time to move on. No reason I can think of to be essentially rolling up four one-dollar bills and suppositorizing them every night, since it's only, if anything, holding off the period that will allow us to get going again. And while keeping up the Prometrium might stave off my period over this weekend, I don't have much attachment to that. I'd rather get the starting out of the way than suddenly begin bleeding unexpectedly in the middle of school next week.

Weird detail about today: one of my highest temps ever, 98.75°. Wackadoo.

So, for this next cycle, Clomid or no Clomid? I have such mixed feelings, as it featured in the cycle when I finally did get pregnant, but may also have led to a thinned lining that may have led to my miscarriage. All theoretical, all things I've said before. Dr. Chinatown said Clomid was fine by him, for what that's worth. Mostly, I'm excited to start my first full cycle of acupuncture and herbs; I can hardly expect TCM to have worked its magic on a cycle that was partly out of its hands. Hoping there's something to all that...The tea's not so bad anymore, by the way; it's amazing what you can get used to.

Before I take off, wanted to share a pic with you of a painting I saw at a gallery last week. N and I have been looking for art, and this one was part of a big ol' sale and seemed as though it would be perfect for a baby's room:

Cracks me up.

Known-ing Is Half the Battle

This was one of the signs planted along the security line at the airport this afternoon, and as it just about made my day, I thought I'd share it with you all. I'm going to resist the temptation to make snarky comments, so as to avoid being perceived as a security threat (because clearly the FAA is reading my blog in real time), but I think this is hilarious.

Anyway...as I've mentioned previously, I started a new job this week, teaching French to grades 4-9 at a school in a less-urban area about an hour's drive away. It seems like a good, solid school, and everyone's been nicer than nice, but I'm anxious about getting started and being back in the classroom after our year abroad and early wake-ups and long, unpredictable drives and and and and. I'm a champion anticipatrix, and while I know intellectually that the worry is always worse than the real thing, it still inevitably rattles me.

Being the new girl again is one of the major bummers. I started teaching full-time in 2005, and this is the fourth school I've taught in. Numbers one and three were maternity-leave replacement positions, and at number two, they decided to replace French with Mandarin at the end of my year there, due to low enrollment and a desire to impress parents (that last part being my interpretation). So I know from being new. I'm good at playing that game, but it's lonely not being known. It's been a rough last few days, and I've wished there were someone at school who knew what was going on. Although my department head, who is dearness itself, does actually know (I felt I should tell her I was dropping one of my summer classes, and since she had been such an unequivocal love since the first time we met, I also told her why I'd dropped it. Turns out she's miscarried twice herself...), and it was all I could do to contain my emotions during our first department meeting on Wednesday, the day of my 13dpo BFN. Sometimes it's easier to maintain the illusion of normalcy when no one knows what's going on, but on the whole, I'd prefer to have my story out there. Is that weird? Not in the weekly e-mail bulletin to parents or anything (if there even is such a thing), but as I get to know people a little, our current endeavors and frustrations seem an important piece of the puzzle. There was a cocktail party at the headmaster's house yesterday evening, and in the course of my conversations with some of my lovely colleagues, I opened the window to that [large] section of my heart a couple times, and that felt like a relief. It's just a process, making my way in this new environment. Oh, transition, you are a wily, prickly mistress. Or, as some great women once said (name that high-quality television programming), a prostitution whore.

So what I wanted to say is that, as I'm going through all this adjustment and commuting and BFSuckyNs, I'm really grateful for you all, folks who do know this very important part of me that really needs knowing right now. Many thanks and hugs for that.

I tested again on Thursday, at 14dpo, and it was again negative, of course. Temps still up, still no period. I feel as though I should maybe stop the Prometrium (at $4 a pill), but then again, maybe I should wait for the bleed to begin? I e-mailed my RE to ask him, forgetting to include which CD it was and how many dpo, and he responded saying I should wait until at least CD30 (already past) to discontinue it, and then asked if maybe we could e-mail less, now that I'm back in the country and could call and speak to his nurses instead. Cue me blushing.

Oh, and by the way, one of my bridesmaids is getting married this weekend (hence the airportiness) and one of my people of honor (the other being my brother) told me yesterday that she and her longtime beau are eloping over New Year's. Will they both have babies before I do?

Happy holiday weekend, Americans, and happy weekend to everyone else. Wear your white shoes while you still can!

"There does not appear to be a baby in these tests."

I woke up at 5:45 this morning, 45 minutes before my alarm, and decided to just take my temperature and get up and pee. Temp was a cycle-high 98.34°, and once I jotted the number down, I woke N up, as he said he wanted me to when it was pee time. I love this man. And so I peed, a little bit in a cup for my cheap-but-sensitive dipstick, and then the rest on an e.p.t. And both tests...were negative. Nothing. Sigh.

I still have not yet gotten my period (I cannot get myself to refer to it as Aunt Flo, or even her initials, unless commenting on someone's blog who calls it that, so do forgive the uneuphemistic nomenclature). A dear friend who miscarried last year before conceiving her beautiful daughter told me recently that her first cycle back was extremely long, and that she wished her doctor had told her ahead of time that that might happen, so that she could have stopped wondering if she were pregnant. Seems as though that's where I am. As you all have told me, 13dpo is a good time for testing, and so it looks like no baby this month.

N sent me a text after he got up later in the morning, saying: "I had a dream that one of the pregnancy tests changed to positive after you left. Actually it notified me by email. Very high tech." And that made me sad. He really wants this, too. Which I knew, but this made it more concrete; his dreams were creeping into his dreams.

So...don't know where that leaves me. Waiting again, I guess. I was really hopeful this month. No particular reason, but it felt good for a little while. Thank you all for your kindness and positivity. I think I'm going to go drive home and cry.

Every couple hours, another moment of truth.

This was the joke in mid-June when I was visiting friends in London. I was with them from CD30-CD33, and when we went to the movies one afternoon, on CD31 or so, I commented that every trip to the bathroom, every wipe, was another moment of truth. What would I see this time? I had promised N not to test until we were back in Paris together, and so while Londonfriends tried to cajole me into buying a test, I held out. And I was glad I did, because N and I got to share our own BFP (big fat positive) moment that belonged only to us.

So here I am again, CD31, wiping and wondering, wishing and wanting, visiting the ladies' room regularly, both out of curiosity and because I genuinely have to pee. Nothing yet...